Potential Isn’t Real and How to Believe People When They Show You Who They Are
This article explores how potential isn’t real, the freedom and curiosity that comes with this revelation, and how to meet people where they are, including a 3-step guide to get started.
This article is a continuation of the People Are Who They’re Allowed to Be series.
Think about that one friend who claims to be a gym buff. They have a gym membership, but you never see them at the gym. Their health is going in the wrong direction. Despite what they say, you know they don’t ever work out.
Which do you believe?
What they say or what they do?
At some point, you start to believe people when they tell you who they are. By this person’s actions, they are not a gym buff, no matter how many times they tell you. They might want to be one, but they aren’t.
So, why do we choose to believe otherwise when it comes to our work colleagues?
Potential Isn’t Real
And that’s a good thing.
Whether it’s a significant other, friend, or even your own kids, it can be tough to watch people “ruin their lives” by not living up to their potential.
But, what do you mean when you say this?
What potential are you referring to? Rather, whose potential are you referring to?
Potential in others is a mix of two things:
The vision you have for their life
The actions you would take if you were them
To the person you see potential in, however, neither of these things are real.
“They aren’t living up to their potential” is the potential you envision for someone else.
It’s not their potential—it’s the potential you project onto someone else.
So, in a lot of ways, potential (for others) isn’t real.
But that’s a good thing.
Because once you accept this, you can become curious about what they want to be and are free to choose what role they play in your life.
Freedom and Curiosity
Once you accept that potential isn’t real, you begin to experience a newfound sense of freedom.
This may be challenging, especially for the control freaks out there who want to control what’s going on around them.
But.
I encourage you to wrestle with the discomfort and push through it.
And, instead of just “letting go” (which can feel impossible), think about reaching for something else: curiosity.
Replace control with curiosity.
Where you once pushed people to ‘grow’ into the role you think they should achieve, move into curiosity as to what’s holding them back.
You may discover growth isn’t something they’re interested in (see How to Fix Middle Management for more on this topic).
You may discover you are the problem! You might be holding them back with things you’ve said or done. Perhaps you’re playing favorites and punishing someone who wants to get to the same objective with a unique solution. Maybe you’re denying growth because a person doesn’t look like your or act how you want them to act.
Withholding opportunity because someone is doing something differently isn’t encouraging growth, it’s punishing non-conformity.
Maybe you discover someone isn’t a fit for a role but were too afraid to fail you because you lacked curiosity.
It’s possible you’ll find the person isn’t a good fit for your company’s culture or morals.
Meet People Where They Are
Regardless of what you find, there’s freedom in accepting people where they are.
When you meet people where they are, you’re able to equip them with what they need for the next step, regardless of whether they take it, regardless of whether the step is with your company or not.
To reiterate and call out:
Do not limit or force people’s steps to be identical to yours!
Meeting people where they are isn’t about moving them along in the direction you want them to go. It’s about leading them to the steps and solutions of the path they want to take.
Your job is to help people achieve what they want, not to force them to achieve the goals you need help with.
When you force people to achieve the goals you want, you’re just being manipulative. If you help people achieve what they want, you’re helping people grow.
Too many leaders hold back and punish individuals who haven’t gone through the exact same, carbon-copy path they went through. What these leaders miss is that times are different, problems are different, and even when the problems are the same, solutions can be different.
Yes, individuals need core competencies, but if your direct reports are saying they’re trying to achieve the same outcome and what you want, be sure you’re really listening and giving them a fair chance to prove themselves.
Some people steal initiative. Other people wait for permission. Uncover these nuances with your freedom and curiosity.
Easy as One, Two, Three
Here’s a quick guide to help you on your path:
Examine your expectations
Evaluate their impetus
Equip their next step
Examine your expectations. Consider those who frustrate you. You’re apt to find there’s something the person isn’t doing that you are expecting them to, even if you haven’t realized it was an expectation you set. First, have you communicated your expectations? If so, have they acknowledged they understand what’s expected? In this case, you’re often expecting more from a person than you’ve communicated.
The inverse can also be true. Are you expecting too little from someone? Why is this OK and accepted at your workplace? What impact is this having on others?
Evaluate their impetus. OK, I went with “impetus” instead of “direction” or “momentum” for alliteration purposes, but it works. After you’ve weighed your wants, work to understand what’s driving (or holding back) the individual in question. Is it a personal hang up? Have you become their roadblock with unrealistic demands?
To effectively guide people, understand what motivates them.
Equip their next step. Honestly, it’s not even up to you to paint a picture of where they’re “supposed” to go. You must do this with your business, but when it comes to individuals, it’s up to them to discover and paint a picture of where they want to go. You can paint pictures of where they could go, but I caution you against painting pictures of where people should go.
Your responsibility is to set them up for their success.
That’s it. Whether you want to find the greats like Nick Saban saying that is the primary responsibility of a coach (‘give players the best chance to win’) or people like Jack Welch who measured successful managers by how many people got promoted out, find ways to help people become the best version of who they want to be.
When you do this, you develop a company of healthy individuals. The Healthy Company Framework is a business methodology that heals your business and creates an environment that allows individuals to thrive.
If you’re struggling to do this in your company, for your team, or just drowning in the mundane, let us know. We’d love to help you achieve the goals you’re striving for.
It’s not whether you say you’re a gym buff, it’s whether you go consistently. What things do you claim about your life or your business that just aren’t true?